Below is what I wrote in my journal on 10/15/07 just about 2 weeks before I was to be arrested for the thefts I did.
You could say I had a tough life but I know I was and am responsible for every thing I have done. Why did I do what I did? Good question, I’m still not 100% sure why I stole the things I did. I let greed run my life and I thought I could “buy love”. I have done a lot of people that I love wrong and I AM SORRY. I was living a life of lies and have done some people wrong and I never meant to hurt anyone in the start. No one knows how much I love life and how much I love all the people I have gotten to know. I know I am not evil and that it’s a sin to steal, I wish I had never done what I did and try to understand why. I was lost and felt like I was trapped and wanting help to get out of a very bad and dark place. When I got fired for stealing, I was so happy. It was as if a heavy weight was taken off my shoulders.
I was motivated by some of the most profound and darkest elements in our being – greed, and I thought I could stop and only a few items wouldn’t hurt. Then my wife and step family started to have big problems. I got mad, no one understood how I was feeling. The more problems we had, the more I took, I know inside I was asking for help! But it never came. I blamed others for my problems and didn’t have the power to break the addicted, desisting sin I was doing. It was as if I wasn’t me, someone else was controlling me and I would end up paying the price for what happened. It’s my fault, I did it and I can make amends. To ask everyone that has been done wrong by me for forgiveness will be hard to do, but it’s a first step.
If I am charged, I could lose my job and more. I have all ready lost friends and don’t even try to make new ones. I am ashamed of my actions and will have to face family and friends and take accountability for what I have done. This can be a new beginning for me, I can start all over and do what is right. I can work on making amends, paying off ever one that I owe, I want to do what is right. I want to live life to it’s fullest and not have to worry about hiding all my sins. I am not a quieter, I can make things right again.
Looking back now, I have come along way but still have a way to go. At that time I didn’t know Jesus and thought believing in God was all I needed. I’m sill not sure how I ended up giving my life to Jesus. I know some people may think it’s just an excuse but if that’s true then I invite them to come to church with me, go to Bible study, listen to christian music and live by God’s commandments.
Once you let Jesus come into your life and you feel God’s love and experience some of the life changing events God does in your life, you too will become a true Christian. It’s no longer about me, where I live or who loves or does not love me. I give all the glory to God and will worship and praise him everyday.