Life and Death!

What a day, I have been a little under the weather the last few days add in a 11 hour day today at work and I was ready to go home.  Wednesday nights is Youth group night at our church.  Since I have given my life over to Christ I have been on the journey to know God and Jesus better.  It’s not something I planned to do, not really sure how it happened, all I know is; it’s “happening to me”.  There is a song out on Christians Radio called “I’m not who I was” by Brandon Heath,  and that’s how I feel now!

I reckon it’s a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I’m not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe ’cause I want it so much
I’m not who I was


So, where does Death come in you ask?   Tonight while I was driving home from the youth group I got to thinking about how much I love life now and all the new friends I have made through Jesus Christ.  I once hatted life and wanted to die very much but now I’m afraid to die!   I was what you might call a loner, I liked being alone and found it hard to talk to people.  It’s not that I didn’t want friends, I did very much but I have a hard time letting others get close to me.  I have a hard time asking or even receiving anyone’s help.  Not that I don’t want it but if I have made a mistake then I should find a way out myself!

My past was so messed up and nothing I did seemed good enough!  All I wanted was to be loved and I tried every thing I could think of to get it.  I couldn’t see what I was doing was wrong and was just making things worse for me.  I was getting more and more depressed and after I was arrested for 1St degree  theft I lost most of the friends I had.  I lost the person I loved and that we said “Till death do us part”.  I wanted to die so badly I even made so threats about it.  I still remember getting a text message from a “so called friend” that said “are you dead yet?”  That was the day I should have died and the nearest I have ever been to killing myself!  I remember the  “so called friend” called the Johnson county sheriff to come out and check on me.  They asked me if I was thinking of hurting myself but I was so good at miss leading people I told them NO! just to get them to leave me alone.

Now looking back I can’t believe I have come so far!  Yes I have a long ways to go and even better days are ahead along with some bad days too.  Now that I know Jesus loves me for who I am I know life is worth living for.  How I returned to “my church” is another story but I have to say I’m not alone any more.  I have found a new family who loves me for who I am and not what I was.

Someone once told me that I didn’t have any friends and at the time they were mostly right, you could count on one hand my friends at the time.  Now that Jesus has saved me and I have given up my life for him I have so many new friends that I just love so very much and I am a new person.  If you knew me before I came to know Jesus your going to see someone totally different very soon and someday God has bigger plans for me, so keep in touch.

This October I will be going on what you might call a mini vacation.  I will be going on a 72 hour spiritual journey called Walk to Emmaus.  There will be no TV, Radio, Cell phone no newspapers just a 72-hour short course in Christianity, comprised of fifteen talks by lay and clergy on the themes of God’s grace, disciplines of Christian discipleship, and what it means to be the church.  Not the vacation you were thinking about, right?  So, what does the word “Vacation” mean any way?  Webster dictionary says 1: A respite or time of respite from something: Intermission. 2: A scheduled period during which  activity is suspended.  So, this will be a great vacation for me, I get to shutout the would for 3 days and focus on God and nothing else.  Plus I get to learn to let others serve me and that will be very different for me, I’m not used to letting others take care of my needs.  It will be very humbling to me.

If I still have you this far, Thanks for reading!

God Bless,


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