The weather is getting colder here in Iowa, the leaves are changing color. I don’t know why, but this time of year just kind of makes me sad. Maybe it’s because about 10 years ago in late October my girlfriend of about 10 years just walked out on me without ever telling me why and I never talked to her again. It was a cold, gray day in October and my heart was broken like never before. It took me a long, long time to recover and in some ways; I am still recovering.
There has been other girlfriends since and I even got married to one of them but you could say, that was a big mistake! If you don’t know me (most people don’t really know me), I have a big heart and I don’t like being alone. OK, I’ll say it! I want LOVE and dream about spending the rest of my life with some one who will love me as much as I love them. I don’t talk about it much but I want to be loved just as I am and not told what is right, what “I need to do” or “just get over it”. Why does loving some one have to be that hard?
I am a giver and love making other feel good and I try to stay up-beat and not get depressed. I try real hard to be strong but at times I get week and I run and hide so no one can see me. I don’t like people seeing me week, real men don’t cry? Maybe someday I’ll find that special someone who will understand and together with God’s help we will grow strong together. Like I’ve said, I don’t mind being alone but I think I am getting tired of it. Since my divorce, I have been alone now for over a year. So, I know I can make it on my own but sure miss the little things like a Hug or a kiss when you don’t expect it, just holding hand when walking or just talking about life.
I think about if I’ll ever find love or even if I should try! I don’t like giving up but my heart has been hurt before and just don’t know if the kind of love I dream about is even real? I am just going to “be” and forget about love for now. God is in control of it and I know he has plans for me but right now I am just not very happy. My heart hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. The more I talk about it, the more depressed I get. Think I’ll just enjoy some quiet time and talk to God.