I told my fiancee that I would start blogging more about what I am feeling and my life. I am so in love with Julie, I just love how she can express herself even in times of difficulties. I believe that talking about our problems and not keeping them to ourselves does help. I love to talk/write about what is going on in my life but find it hard to find a place to start. Plus, in the past I have not had anyone who took a interest in how I was feeling. “Just get over it” does not help a person feel better when they are depressed.
So, how am I feeling you ask? Oh, so, so. I haven’t done a thing to day and feel kind of down. I miss being with Julie and feel “safe” when I am with her. I don’t mind being alone but when I am and get depressed, I tend to just shut down and kind of hibernate. I am good at keeping my feelings to myself but not because I want to. I once cared what others were thinking about me but not any more. I know I am a good person and I have many friends who care about me. I have made so many friends in the last year and changed my life for the better, I know they see the real me. I am no longer fake and know it’s not about me any more. I want the best for others and want them to know about the love and grace the Jesus gives me! It have mad a BIG change in how I see things and how I think. I once hated life so much that every day I would wish to die! Now I am afraid that I will die before my work here on Earth is done.
My health is…. well, it could be better. I have Crohn’s disease and am having some problems with it. It’s hard for me to talk about because it’s kind of personal. I had to go to the ER Monday night and found out that I had a infected abscess on my butt and they operated on it that night to drain it. It’s kind of painful to sit and were not sure why it happened. I have to go back in next week for procedure to find out why or what happened and what to do next. I am so used to pain but this pain is really getting to me. I am very scared, I can’t afford to miss any work. I know it’s not getting any better and the only way to get rid of the pain to get get it fixed. That means mostly a operation and some time in the hospital but if that’s what it takes, I will deal with missing work. I just want every thing better and not to be so hard.
To morrow is Sunday and church! My church is my family now and I love them so much! Right now, I just don’t care nothing is making me happy (other than thinking about Julie!). It will be ok, just how I am some times. I want to sleep but yet am thinking about all the “if’s” in my life. I think I will take my pain killer pills now, that will help me. LOL Right. I could go on talking about nothing. Who reads this any way, other than Julie and a few good friends. To them, I say; Thanks and you are loved more that you know. May God bless you and keep you.