Alone

I have been doing real good being alone.  Working 50 plus hours helps to take my mind off Julie.  This is the first week I have off in over 5 weeks and I sleeped all day!  Went out for dinner and then back home.  I have been getting things set up the way I like them, making it a home, LOL.  Yesterday I asked Julie to add me as a friend on facebook again and she did but then last night she removed me.  I was very hurt, I know the laptop computer I gave her is not working and I post a note that I had another power supply that should work and that she had her Dell desk top hear too.  Don’t know if she’s mad that I posted that to her wall?  I care very much for Julie and I hurt much more than what shows!  I would have never just walked out on her like she did to me.

I don’t like giving up and I need to let go of the pain Julie has caused me but giving up without talking about her problems.  She was mad that I didn’t talk about mine  and it was wrong for me to put up walls.  I am willing to talk, some times I talk too much and end up saying things that I don’t think over real good.  I miss Julie, wish I could talk right now.  I am real depressed, having some bad thoughts.  I can’t kill myself but wish I could.  I feel like you all would never care any way.  All I herd from Julie was how bad I was for her and how unhappy I made her life. 

It’s for the best that I am alone, I’m not lovable, I end up !@#$ things up any way.  I DON’T CARE ANY MORE!  I want to run and hide,  I can’t do this any more.  I have been trying so hard for so long and you just don’t see it!!!!  I did all I could for Julie, I visited her as much as I could when she was in the Abby, been with her in the hospital, cried at night when I couldn’t be with her.  I need someone who will love me back just a little, someone who cares about my feeling too.  I have a right to be who I am, even if it’s not the best I can be at the time.

The love of my life (Part 1)

After being married for 7 years and going through a tough divorce finding the love of my life was the last thing I wanted to find.  I’ve been loved before but was it the “love of my life”, I can’t say any of the women I loved was.  I loved them all and even with a bad marriage I still though I was “loved”.  Boy was I wrong, loving someone more than they love you is not good.  It hurt trying to love someone who couldn’t be loved and knowing that I’m not getting what I needed.  Being single for over a year was the best thing for me, I learned that I could live without having someone to love me.  I tried dating for a while but think I wasn’t ready yet so I kind of put finding love on the back burner.

What changed was how I looked at dating.  In the past I was in control and had a list of what I wanted in a relation with a woman.  Since this way of finding a mate has not worked the greatest I though what not try a very different way.  Since Jesus has come into my life and saved me, I have been blessed.  Before I knew Jesus I though life was all about me and how good of a lover I was.  God changed all that, I realize it’s not all about me and thinking I am so good is wrong.  Since being saved I have been praying ever morning and ever night and some times I just talk to God.  What I did for dating didn’t work so I thought why not let God be in control of my dating.  My love for God is very strong and I am still learning so finding a mate who loves and worships God as much if not even more could be very hard to find.

I would pray at night for God to bring a lady into my life who loves you, that’s all I asked for.  I would pray,  “God, I don’t know who she is or where she is at,  just bring her into my life.  I don’t know when it will happen dear Lord but I know she is out there.  Who ever she is Lord, I will accept and love her”.  Like so many others, I have gotten hooked on Facebook and have been adding to my list of friends.  I didn’t use facebook much before being saved but since I have been going to church I use it to stay updated with my church family.  I even made a group page for my church and have made new friends both on and off facebook.  Facebook is a good way to learn about what others are doing with there faith and how God is acting in there life.  That got me to think that maybe I could do a search for women from Iowa who loved God.  I think I searched for, Single Women, God, Iowa and 35-45 years old.  The results I got  most of the time was there name and maybe a picture.  Out of the list I had, I picked maybe 10 or 12 names and sent them a friends request, some times I would include a little note about why I was asking to add them as a new friend.  Since none of them knew me at all, I was taking a chance and just wasn’t sure if this would work for finding a new friend let alone a mate.

To be continued tomorrow…..  Update, Click here to read part 2

Life goes on 3.1.10

Time to write again, don’t really know what to say.  Right now what I think the most about is Julie and how she motivates me to think about life and how God is working in our relationship.   I have always believed in God but just never made the time to go to church.  Most of the women I dated were not true Christians and we never talked about it.  I would think about what it would be like to have a girlfriend who loved Jesus and we could worship him together.  I just never gave having a Christian relationship top priority, I would look for other things but I didn’t care if she loved God.  That changed after my divorce, I was tired of finding the wrong women.  What I was doing wasn’t working so this time, I just asked God to bring a women into my life.  All I wanted this time was for her to love God as much or more than me, that’s it.

The other thing I love about Julie is how she writes about all the things going on in her life.  I love talking about my life and how I am feeling and being able to share that with someone I love is wonderful.  Keeping your feelings to yourself does not help any and it also does not help others.  So many times we think it’s all about us and what others can do for us.  I have gotten tired of being selfish and looking out for my needs.  It’s time I started doing good of others, my needs can wait.  I was OK with being single but having someone who believed like I did and thought like I did would be a dream come true.    The One thing I NEVER ever even thought about was being a father,  I thought I was getting too old.  I kind of gave that up a while back.  My biggest regret is not have a son or daughter to love.  I have wanted so bad to be a dad but I just gave up on it.  The thing is, I think about having a daughter more that a son.  I don’t know why this is, maybe it has some thing to do with her being “daddy’s girl”.  I have never had anyone call me daddy and love me for being there for them.  I have had come close, there have been kids who knew that I was there for them but they had a real father, and to them I was just Kent; nothing more.

I am so happy that this time I did it the right way by trusting God.  Every thing I want from a relationship, God is giving me.  It’s not all easy but I know God has blessed this relationship and it’s worth the work and any hard times we might have.  There will be bad days but we both are willing to work on it and we know God has other plans for us.  Living in love and having a very strong faith is very important to me, negative just does not work for me.  I am tired of the fights and hurting each other, the time has come to love no matter what happens.  Tomorrow is a new day and letting go of pass hurt and stepping out in love is what we need to do to move on.

Life goes on 2.28.10

Well, it’s Sunday night and the end to a very relaxing weekend.  I told my fiancee Julie that I would blog tonight, I have so may things I want to do but never find the time to do them all.  I have to start making time and prioritize things better.  I am good at starting things but then some thing else will get my attention and I will forget about what are the things I need to do the most.  I feel lost some times, I don’t do what needs to be done all the time.  It makes me feel like I am lazy, why can’t I get it all together and get things done?  Some times I just don’t care, I’ll do it later.  I need to get on the ball and take care of all the little things.  Some times I think it’s because of my Crohn’s disease , my energy is not what it once was and that could be because of my Crohn’s.  I will find out next month as I will have a check up with my GI doctor.

This weekend, Julie’s mother and Aunt and Julie’s daughter Katey came down to visit.  This weekend was Acquire The Fire in Des Moines, it’s a 27-hour, life transforming event built around bringing volume and clarity to God’s voice in the lives of teenagers.  I was going to go with our youth group but canceled because I wanted to spend some time with Katey and Julies’s mom.  I was I could have been in two places at one time!  The youth group have a great time and I hade a great time getting to know Katey more.  I don’t tell most people how much I wish I was a real dad.  I have been in relationships before with kids involved, I’ve even been a “step-dad” but the kids had a “real” dad of there own.  I never felt close to them, I didn’t want to over step the line and push myself onto them.  I loved them but there was a kind of wall in between us that keep them from loving me.  They had a dad and I was there just when they  needed me.   Being a father to a sweet young girl who wants a daddy is the greatest gift a man could ever ask for.  I didn’t think I would ever get this chance, and I am so ready!

I know God has been getting me ready to be a dad for a long time now.  I also know I will make a great dad and look forward to all the great times (good and bad) together.  Julie and I are a great team and we have just started to see what we can do together.  We both have had some real hard times and have a long way to go but God is acting in our lives and we couldn’t be any happier.  I can’t wait to be with Julie more and more, it’s kind of hard right now but I know she is doing so much better.  I will do any thing for her, I love how she thinks and how willing she is to talk about her life.

Well, it wasn’t the best blog I have done but it’s nice just to put my thoughts down.  I am still kind of feeling some pain and I will work haft days for the next 3 days.  I am getting sleepy as I took a sleeping pill to help my shut down.  I don’t always get enough sleep and can stay up till after midnight and then have to be up at 4 or 5 AM.  Julie is so good for me and I have to start getting all my shit together.   I have never had someone who I talk to about any thing let alone someone who made me feel like I can do any thing.  I will (try) blog more tomorrow and let you know more about my life and feeling,  fun, I know.

Riding Out The Waves

Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; on You I wait all the day(Psalm 25:5)

What can ride ocean currents for years before finally washing ashore and springing to life? According to National Geographic’s World magazine, it’s a nut that is native to South America and the West Indies. Some people call them “sea hearts” (Entada gigas).

These 2-inch, chestnut-colored nuts are hardy, heart-shaped seeds that grow on high-climbing vines. They often fall into rivers and float out to sea. There they may ride the currents for years before coming to shore and sprouting into a plant.

This life-bearing, time-enduring, wave-riding seed illustrates a basic spiritual principle. God’s plans may include extended times of waiting for Him to act on our behalf. This was true of Noah, who endured ridicule while spending 120 years building a ship; of Abraham, who waited for the fulfillment of God’s promise that he would have a son in his old age; and of David, God’s anointed, who chose to wait for God’s timing rather than take the life of envious King Saul.

Sea hearts can’t choose to be patient, but we can. Nothing is harder or better for us than to follow the example of David, who wrote Psalm 25. By waiting on the Lord we can have peace, and our faith will grow—even while we are riding out the waves.