Alone

I have been doing real good being alone.  Working 50 plus hours helps to take my mind off Julie.  This is the first week I have off in over 5 weeks and I sleeped all day!  Went out for dinner and then back home.  I have been getting things set up the way I like them, making it a home, LOL.  Yesterday I asked Julie to add me as a friend on facebook again and she did but then last night she removed me.  I was very hurt, I know the laptop computer I gave her is not working and I post a note that I had another power supply that should work and that she had her Dell desk top hear too.  Don’t know if she’s mad that I posted that to her wall?  I care very much for Julie and I hurt much more than what shows!  I would have never just walked out on her like she did to me.

I don’t like giving up and I need to let go of the pain Julie has caused me but giving up without talking about her problems.  She was mad that I didn’t talk about mine  and it was wrong for me to put up walls.  I am willing to talk, some times I talk too much and end up saying things that I don’t think over real good.  I miss Julie, wish I could talk right now.  I am real depressed, having some bad thoughts.  I can’t kill myself but wish I could.  I feel like you all would never care any way.  All I herd from Julie was how bad I was for her and how unhappy I made her life. 

It’s for the best that I am alone, I’m not lovable, I end up !@#$ things up any way.  I DON’T CARE ANY MORE!  I want to run and hide,  I can’t do this any more.  I have been trying so hard for so long and you just don’t see it!!!!  I did all I could for Julie, I visited her as much as I could when she was in the Abby, been with her in the hospital, cried at night when I couldn’t be with her.  I need someone who will love me back just a little, someone who cares about my feeling too.  I have a right to be who I am, even if it’s not the best I can be at the time.

Looking for a place to call home.

Julie and I have been trying to find a place to call home.  We have looked at apartment after apartment and just didn’t feel like God was leading us anywhere.   We don’t want any thing too fancy as we can’t afford much. Just a place for us, maybe Katey someday plus I have a dog and a cat too.  I want some thing close to where I work and in a safe and friendly community.   I have lived in West Amana a year now and lets just say I put up with some things most of you wouldn’t!  Julie is at the Abby as is all most finished and needs to find a place in Linn county to call home.

Last week we were out driving around looking for apartments and we stopped at the Walmart in Marion, just off Hwy 13 and 151.  When we left the Walmart we saw a sign for Squaw Creek Village a Manufactured Housing Community (mobile home park). We thought we drive through and see if any thing was for rent. We stopped in the office and talked with the owners and they told us they don’t rent but do have homes for sale. But since Julie and I don’t have the best of credit were not sure about getting financing but the owners will finance us, all we need is 10% down, first month lot rent, insurance and other fees.  All we want is something sound, good windows, good AC/heat etc, I can do repairs and fix other things and as needed. We really like Marion and Squaw Creek Village is very clean and a great place to start our life together!  We have looked at nice homes that we feel God is leading us to, were looking at homes in the$10,000 to $20,000 range.

Our biggest problem right now will be coming up with about $2,500 for the down payment. We could save up for it but Julie needs to get out of the Abby real soon. Getting Julie into a place to call home will help her with her recovery even more, plus she will be going to Carlson school of massage therapy and it will be close to Squaw Creek Village.  We are praying that God will help us find a way to come up with the money for a down payment.  Julie thought about asking her mother for help, but I think we should do it as a couple and I don’t think it’s right to ask her since she is all ready doing so much for us.   I know God will take care of us, this will be a blessing for us. We are looking forward to having the satisfaction of owning our own home and having a solid investment something that renting can do.

We have been through a lot and are ready to start a life together and pray that God will bless us with a way to get a home.  We feel that Squaw Creek Village is a warm, friendly and safe community and will be a good way to meet new friends and start a family.  Please help us pray that we find a way to make our dreams come true.