I have been doing real good being alone.  Working 50 plus hours helps to take my mind off Julie.  This is the first week I have off in over 5 weeks and I sleeped all day!  Went out for dinner and then back home.  I have been getting things set up the way I like them, making it a home, LOL.  Yesterday I asked Julie to add me as a friend on facebook again and she did but then last night she removed me.  I was very hurt, I know the laptop computer I gave her is not working and I post a note that I had another power supply that should work and that she had her Dell desk top hear too.  Don’t know if she’s mad that I posted that to her wall?  I care very much for Julie and I hurt much more than what shows!  I would have never just walked out on her like she did to me.

I don’t like giving up and I need to let go of the pain Julie has caused me but giving up without talking about her problems.  She was mad that I didn’t talk about mine  and it was wrong for me to put up walls.  I am willing to talk, some times I talk too much and end up saying things that I don’t think over real good.  I miss Julie, wish I could talk right now.  I am real depressed, having some bad thoughts.  I can’t kill myself but wish I could.  I feel like you all would never care any way.  All I herd from Julie was how bad I was for her and how unhappy I made her life. 

It’s for the best that I am alone, I’m not lovable, I end up !@#$ things up any way.  I DON’T CARE ANY MORE!  I want to run and hide,  I can’t do this any more.  I have been trying so hard for so long and you just don’t see it!!!!  I did all I could for Julie, I visited her as much as I could when she was in the Abby, been with her in the hospital, cried at night when I couldn’t be with her.  I need someone who will love me back just a little, someone who cares about my feeling too.  I have a right to be who I am, even if it’s not the best I can be at the time.


It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about how I am doing. Most of the time I don’t let others into my world and from the outside looking in, it may seam that I am doing real good. For the most part, I am but the real truth is I deal with depression and who knows, maybe I am Bipolar too! The past few weeks have been real hard on me and it’s when I am lone that I am the weekest. I have a great fioncee who I love very much and can’t wait for us to be together. I love Julie so much, she is a blessing from God! When I am with Julie I feel so safe and happy but when I am at home and alone I get very depressed. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s becuase in the back of my mind, I’m affraid that she will leave me or that I’m not good enough for her. Some times I hate what I have done with my life, and all the mistakes I’ve made.

Life is not easy right now and I am trying real hard to be there for Julie and take care of her. I want the best for her and Katey and will do what I can for them. I don’t know what to do, I feel so alone but I know they love me! Since I have become a Christian and learned about the love that Jesus offers us I have been turning my life around and making many new friends. It just seams like I never get ahead and there is always something going wrong. I have put up with things most people wouldn’t have, I don’t like to complane about what life is like, that’s why I keep most of it to myself. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, maybe I just need to deal with it as I once was told! Yeah, I know, I live in the past too much but I’ve had people get into my head and I let them change how I think. But still, it’s how I am and I have to be able to talk about it. I hate it when I have to hold things in just because others don’t want to hear it. It makes me think I’m a bad person.

I love life and hate the way I am feeling the last few weeks! All I want is for everyone to be happy and get along. Why does that have to be so hard? Oh how I want everything to get better but all I can do is keep going and trusting in my loved ones! I don’t like being week and would rather be there for them. Well, I better stop for now, all I do is make things worse by thinking about them. To, Julie the love of my life. I love you and thank God that he has blessed us.

My Dog part 2

I am very sad today!  Toby is still not doing good and I don’t think he will make it!  I can’t stand to see him in pain!  I don’t know what to do.  Toby is such a great dog and he has been a great friend to me and I will be so lost without him.  I think I am nuts because he’s “just a dog”, but he is so much more than a dog to me!

Why does this have to happen?  He’s only 4 years old, he’s too young to die!  Please pray for Toby and me,  I am week and I need to be strong for Toby!  Dear Lord, please guide me and give me strength to take care of Toby.   I am so scared right now, all I can do is write here about how I feel.  Thank you, if your reading this!

After doing a little resurch on-line I think it could be Canine hip dysplasia (CHD).

The following are signs that your dog may have Canine hip dysplasia (CHD).

  • Rear limb lameness, particularly after exercise.
  • Difficulty or stiffness upon rising or climbing uphill.
  • A “bunny hop” gait (moving both rear legs together).
  • Rising using front legs only and dragging rear end.
  • Waddling rear limb gait.
  • A painful reaction to extension of the rear legs resulting in a characteristic short stride.
  • A side-to-side sway of the croup (area of the back above the hind legs and in front of tail.)
  • Tendency to tilt hips down when pressure applied to rump.
  • Reluctance to jump, exercise or climb stairs.

As I have said Toby does not like to jump or climb the stairs like he once did. And he does not like to get up after he’s been sitting down.   When I first noticed something was different was about 4 week ago when I took Toby for a walk.  Most of the time when we would go for a walk, Toby would lead and run out front of me.  This time, Toby would stay behind me and some times not want to walk at all.  I didn’t know it at the time but he was in pain and his CHD was just starting.  We  haven’t gone for any walks since and I miss going for walks with my buddy!  I don’t know if we will ever have walks again.

Right now, Toby is lying on the floor and trying to rest, I can tell he is in pain but he is stating to go to sleep.  I wish you could see him now, he’s so sweet.  He does not want to put his head down to sleep, he’s got it resting on a container that’s next to him.  I tried to give him his Prednisone pill and 1/4 of an adult aspirin, but Toby didn’t want to eat the food that I put then in!

My Dog!

tobyMy Dog is my best friend and I don’t know what I would do without Toby around!  He loves me like I have never been loved and he is such a great dog.  Toby is a Shih Tzu  and is almost 4 years old.  Just this last month Toby started to act differently.  He would jump and run to great me every time I would come home and his tail would wag back and forth.  He now just walks up to me, he will not run and going up steps is not easy like it once was.  My bed is not very high off the floor and Toby loves to sleep with me but now he can’t jump up on the bed.  I lift him up to put Toby on the bed now.

I took him to the vet 2 weeks ago and they gave him some Prednisone pills for his pain.  It seems to help but Toby is not acting like he once did.  Tonight when I got home he was sitting on the floor and just looked at me with big eyes.  He did go out to go pee and poop and drinks and eats.  Even if there is any thing they can do for him, I can’t afford it.  I am very upset right now!  I don’t know what I would do if Toby dies!  I Love him more than you know!!!  Please pray for my dog, he is such a sweet dog and loves people.



Update;  Toby seems a little better.  I hope I am overacting and it’s nothing to worry about.   I just wish I could afford better care for Toby, all I can do is pray and let God take care of Toby.